The most important thing for couples, especially those who are welcoming a baby into their lives, is maintaining a strong and fulfilling partnership. By definition, a partnership is worth more than each individual part. When people come together to partner up harmoniously, they can get more done, find more joy, make more money, find reassurance, balance, peace of mind, and so much more. Plus, knowing somebody has your back and is on your team is a warm and welcome feeling.
Being together and feeling loved is one of the best feelings, and it is absolutely possible to nurture your relationships to feel amazing, post-baby
Is it okay to struggle with our relationship after kids?
Many couples say, "I don't understand. We were fine before the kids. Sure we had small issues, but I don't know why it's gotten to be such a problem now."
The answer to this question is: YES!
Humans operate best when they have time to manage and process their experiences and emotions. Post-baby, this essential process often takes a backseat behind parental duties, leading to unresolved emotions. These bottled-up feelings can strain the relationship, making it feel less carefree than it once did and sometimes even resulting in unintended conflicts with those closest to them.
Are my relationship issues due to incompatibility?
Many people believe that their relationship issues are due to compatibility issues, and while we believe that is possible, we think it is far more likely that parenthood poses a new challenge, demanding new skills. Couples at odds with one another often lack the simple skills to maintain a strong and fulfilling relationship post-kids.
How do we stay connected?
The arrival of a baby significantly reduces the time and attention partners can dedicate to each other, transforming eight hours for resolving conflicts into four, if they're lucky.
As responsibilities grow and couples physically and emotionally drift apart in their efforts to meet these demands, this distance can lead to burnout, disconnection, and more frequent conflicts, underscoring the importance of finding strategies to prioritize the relationship and bridge the gap for the well-being of the family.
Prioritize Regular Dates
Dedicating at least ninety minutes per week exclusively to each other, akin to unclogging a drain, ensures a smoother, more loving relationship. This underscores the critical need for couples, especially those navigating the complexities of parenting, to continually invest in their emotional connection.
Seek out family, friends, neighbors, or paid babysitters early on. Everyone can afford help that is free. Even if couples can't afford to go out to dinner once a week, there is plenty that can be done refresh and relax together. Those moments, whether spent over coffee, playing games, taking a walk, or simply driving around, are an oasis, allowing couples to shed their parental roles and reconnect as partners for a few hours
A small change such as this can lead to a noticeable decrease in conflicts because it gives couples an opportunity to communicate in a simpler, quieter, and uninterrupted environment. This reduces stressful stimuli, and gives couples the best shot at connecting.
Helpful Hint: When your baby is young, invite family and friends to keep an eye on them while you and your partner take a brief retreat upstairs to engage in activities like playing a game or watching a show. This regular practice not only allows you to be fully present for your infant when necessary but also helps your child develop secure attachments with others, paving the way for you to step out with peace of mind in the future. Employing this approach is particularly beneficial when introducing a new babysitter; staying nearby initially can help ease your child into the new relationship while you assess the sitter's trustworthiness.
Avoid Having Deep Conversations at Night
Be mindful about when to have important conversations. At the end of a long day filled with work, caring for kids, and dealing with daily challenges, it's common for parents to find themselves drained and overstimulated. Exhaustion hampers clear communication, often leading to unnecessary arguments and escalated conflicts.
The essence of a relationship is to provide peace and security. It is more effective to save significant discussions for times when parents are more refreshed, like weekends, early mornings, or during planned dates. This approach allows for clear, uninterrupted communication in a relaxed setting, ideally over a nice dinner, making it easier to connect and understand each other.
Talk About Your Goals Together
In their dedicated time together, parents should cultivate the practice of sharing goals, hopes, dreams, and daily experiences. Post-kids, it's easy to get caught up in the daily grind and lose sight of individual dreams—like that awesome sports car, business aspirations, or that dream house. Keeping these dreams alive, both as individuals and as a couple, injects purpose and excitement into your partnership. It also builds a foundation for what life when the kids are grown, allowing partners to build it together slow and steady!
This active listening and open dialogue not only strengthens your bond but also fosters mutual understanding, as everyone aims for improvement in life, seeking more wealth, a better lifestyle, and greater freedom. Discussing and planning how to achieve these personal and shared goals can be empowering. Whether it involves one partner advancing their career while the other focuses on childcare, or finding other arrangements that suit your mutual aspirations, it's vital. Regular check-ins on your progress and allowing space to vent about challenges can create a strong sense of partnership and support, enhancing your connection and shared purpose.
Resist the Urge to Judge the Other Person's Choices
In relationships, days can unfold in vastly different ways for each partner. While one may navigate the loneliness of staying at home with young children, the other might battle the sensory overload of a bustling workplace. And for those blending the roles of parenting and professional work from home, the challenge doubles. These divergent experiences necessitate recognizing that by day's end, each partner's needs may vary. Given the less-than-ideal timing for weighty discussions in the evening, it's the perfect opportunity for personal downtime.
Encouraging personal space for both partners for self-care, whether through leisure activities or relaxation methods, is essential. Couples should aim to foster mutual respect and understanding, enhancing the other's ability to recharge in ways that best suit each individual's experiences of the day. In this spirit, it's vital to withhold judgment on how the other chooses to unwind, focusing instead on cultivating a positive mindset for oneself, assured that this will contribute to the relationship's overall harmony. In short, couples must trust their partner to do exactly what they need to be the best version of themselves.
Stop All Ultimatums
This one is simple yet non-negotiable: couples should threaten to leave each other. Families are a team, and teams stick together.
Just as parents wouldn't threaten children with abandonment for mistakes, couples must apply the same principle to their partnership. Threatening to leave or suggesting someone is disposable undermines trust, destabilizes your relationship, and negates all the hard work and commitment you've both invested. It also sends the message to the children who are most definitely listening and watching that they too might be disposable.
Such threats also trigger fight-or-flight responses, making constructive conflict resolution nearly impossible and shaking the foundation of your commitment. Partners handing out ultimatums directly contribute to the escalation of conflict. Instead, aim for open communication about feelings and needs, fostering an environment where issues can be addressed without resorting to ultimatums.
Put a Pause on Conflict
When discussions between partners become heated, taking a step back to disengage and cool off can be both helpful and challenging. It's beneficial to engage in activities that bring joy, such as going for a walk, exercising, or meeting a friend for coffee, and to also check in with yourself about basic needs like hunger or thirst. Self care can prevent conflicts from escalating.
When choosing to take a break from a conversation, reassuring words using phrases like, "I really want to solve this, but I need some time to calm down. I still love you," can be extremely useful.
This approach allows both partners to return to the discussion more positively and constructively. Giving each other space to return to a calm state can feel odd initially but is an effective strategy for resolving conflicts and enhancing communication.
Allow Each Other Space to Grow and Make Mistakes
Remember that both you and your spouse or partner are humans and are bound to make mistakes. That's part of being human. The point of teaming up is not to prevent screw-ups and mistakes. That is how we learn! It may indeed feel scary, frustrating, or destabilizing at times. And when you inevitably feel that way, remind yourself that growth tends to feel that way just before it gets better. You are, after all, in new territory!
Our partners know when they have screwed up, so instead of harshly criticizing or bashing each other for missteps, approach them as opportunities for growth and learning. It's essential to give your partner space to recognize and address their own short comings on their own. Stand back, exercise patience, and trust in their ability to learn from their experiences.
Keep Relationship Details Confidential
Maintain the confidentiality of your relationship details by refraining from badmouthing or gossiping about your significant other, whether online, in person, or over the phone. The principle is simple: the type of energy you cultivate is what will flourish. Engaging in negative talk not only breeds more negativity but also erodes trust and the sense of unity within your relationship, spreading the perception of turmoil.
Instead, partners should aim their efforts towards constructively addressing challenges together, which strengthens bonds. Remember, the more negatively you speak of your partner, the more you'll start to believe those words. If you find yourself unable to speak positively in a moment of frustration, choose silence. When you do speak of your partner, focus on the aspects you cherish and your optimistic aspirations for your future together.
Helpful Hint: Before venting about your partner, consider whether you're seeking validation or reconciliation. Aiming to prove you're right often stems from ego, not a desire to strengthen the relationship. Remember, true resolution and meaningful change come from the efforts you and your partner make together. Resolution means both partners feel good. Instead of focusing on blame, invest time in research and constructive action towards reconciliation. Progress may be slow, but persistent effort leads to improvement, setting you apart from those who merely complain without acting.
Strengthening Bonds in Challenging Times
Life looks different post-baby. It's full with new responsibility and challenges. Some parents even refer to the parenting phase as an opportunity to "level up." It's a time for new patterns of behavior, fresh focus, and a deliberate choice to build a life as a family and couple. Despite potential overwhelming moments and feelings of instability, finding time to connect, share, and support each other is invaluable. Communication is key. Investing time and effort into nurturing relationships with our partners post-baby is an essential part of feeling like a success. By embracing and adapting these strategies partners experience the profound benefits of a strong, supportive partnership during the post-baby.