Childbirth is an immense challenge, and your partner shouldn't have to face it alone. Your presence can make or break the entire experience. It matters more than you might realize—for her health and safety and for your own confidence and peace of mind. We are here today to break it all down for you, so you can learn exactly why it's important and how supporting her during labor can sending you into fatherhood feeling both confident and connected with your partner.
Know What You're Going to Be Up Against
There exists a gaping hole in both emotional and physical support for women in labor.
Birth used to be a team effort. Women used to provide unwavering support for each other. Many women had deep, experiential knowledge with labor.
While women do receive life saving medical care, they aren't receiving enough support.
Providing the Kind of Support She Needs
Labor demands connection. Studies have proven that women receiving constant emotional and physical support throughout labor have safer and more satisfactory outcomes.
In fact, studies have shown that the brain wave patterns in women during labor drastically change, making them more open and primed for connection.
The kind of support women need is not to fix all her problems or to take away what she is experiencing.
The kind of support she needs and craves is deep attention and focus. Laboring women deserve to have someone to witness and appreciate the hard work that they are doing. This helps laboring women to feel safe, secure, and empowered to meet labors challenges head on.
Insight into How She May Be Feeling During Labor
Chances are a laboring woman will be nervous about her childbirth experience at least once before or during childbirth, especially if she is a first time mother or has some past trauma around birth.
Everyone is probably going to tell her that her body will just "know what to do", but there may be many moments throughout her labor where she feels totally lost. She may also feel like a failure if things aren't going the way she expected them too. Thousands of women recall feeling anxious, scared, frustrated, or even a bit intimidated by the environment at some point in their labor.
Here's the thing: Fear is a part of life. So is discomfort. It's going to show up in labor. There is usually a challenging moment in labor when things are difficult or aren't going to plan. Just like in life, there is usually a beautiful moment on the horizon. (it's darkest before the dawn) When things get dark, we all need a little help to see the light. Active support from you, her birth partner, can truly make all the difference.
Benefits of Your Active Support
Studies now demonstrate that partners providing constant support during childbirth lead to safer and more satisfactory outcomes for women. We have linked a study about how this support may "improve outcomes for women and babies", so you can take a look!
Other studies have shown that the simple act of hand holding during the administration of a painful stimuli changes a woman's perception of the stimuli from painful to uncomfortable.
Why Sitting on the Couch Just Isn't Enough
Have you ever looked over at someone when you're at a restaurant and you're really hungry? They're happily eating their meal while you are starving. Bet you felt pretty jealous, and a little impatient right? You probably looked around to see if you could spot the waiter bringing your food.
Well, you are that person at the table enjoying their food, and she is you, jealously watching.
You're going to make it worse if you're sleeping, you're playing games, or to be honest if you're enjoying yourself.
Now, we are not saying don't enjoy yourself. A laboring woman isn't a narcissistic monster. But she is waiting on a delivery (food or baby) that has no timeline. She just has to wait for that baby to drop. And while she does, she's going to get a bit impatient. She may doubt whether she can do it. She may get tired, hungry, have to pee, or need water. The problem is, articulating her needs during contractions and the intensity of labor will be extra hard.
She will need someone to be there for her, and every time she looks over at you sitting there, she might feel slightly frustrated and abandoned. She wont' be mad at you because she knows labor is her job, but there will an inexplicable, muddy feeling of isolation.
How to Support Her
First, you must decide that she is more important than anything else.
Providing constant support is less about what you do. It's about just being present. When you are focused solely on her, it tells her that you recognize all the hard work that she is doing, and it is appreciated.
A few actions that demonstrate your support:
Physically, stay close by
Turn off all distractions
Keep a watchful eye on her
Suggest trying different coping strategies
Take note of her emotional state
Breathe with her
Hold her hand
Rub her back
Hold a straw to her lips to keep her hydrated
Ensure food is close by if she needs it
Tell her she is strong and beautiful
Kiss her head
Tuck her hair behind her ears
What Happens When You Don't Show Up?
Your commitment to this process is optional, while hers is not, and if you do not willingly show up, she will remember it. Labor can be a transformative memory that she looks back on with fondness, about how close, connected, and safe she felt with you. Labor can also be a memory of isolation and fear. Your presence can make all the difference to her.
For you, labor can be laden with worry, perhaps even a touch of boredom. It's likely that pregnancy has shifted dynamics within your relationship, and you might find yourself yearning for the closeness and connection you once shared. By actively participating in labor, you bridge this gap, fostering connection amidst the challenge, and enter fatherhood with a strong sense of confidence in your value and role. Your presence can profoundly influence how confident and successful you feel as a new dad.
Labor Tools to Turn You Into the Labor MVP
There are plenty of tools available that can help transform any confusion you may have about supporting her into confidence. Consider trying virtual birthing classes, for which we will provide a list of recommended options. Many of the classes we've included focus specifically on dads and their supporting role.
Additionally, there's the DudeDoula app, designed to provide real-time labor assistance for dads. It features a contraction timer, a labor checklist, and a "labor mode" to streamline the process. Once you activate the "labor mode," the app will send you reminders to help you stay focused on her needs. It will prompt you to provide water, offer food, assist with bathroom breaks, and includes an extensive help section for moments when you're unsure what to do.
Partners and Childbirth Support: Your Presence Matters
Childbirth is a huge challenge that is better faced together. Your attention and support during labor will come back tenfold. Keep in mind that you'll be supported by a team of medical professionals who will handle many aspects of the process. Your job of focus, love, and attention is simple.
If you have played an active role as a birth partner please comment below to signal to other dads out there that it's necessary to be involved. Let us know the benefits that you found from being involved!
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